For The Record
by StrongatHeart
Summary: Interviews with the Queer As Folk gang.
1. The Most Fabulous Fag

**Title: For The Record**

**Disclaimer: Showtime and Cowlip own Queer as Folk. I don't. Life sucks. **

**A/N: My friend Lindsay always writes these fics where it's like an interview with the characters, and hers are always so funny, so I wanted to try one. It didn't turn out nearly as good as hers always do, but it was fun to write, anyway. I'm going to do one for each character, I think. **

**A/N2: Just because, I'm naming the magazine that's doing the interviewing Queers Weekly. I couldn't think of anything more creative than that, so sorry the name sucks, lol. (And not in the positive, life-affirming way)**

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_Brian_

QW: Ah, Brian. Brian Kinney.

BK: ...

QW: Brian, quit looking at my photographer. He's straight.

BK: Huh? Wha—? You say something?

QW: Brian, pay attention!

BK: Fine. Speak, if you must.

QW: Ahem. So... Brian Kinney. The most fabulous fag in Pittsburgh.

BK: I see my reputation precedes me.

QW: Um...not exactly. I asked Michael and Justin for info on you earlier. They said you called yourself that.

BK: See? Even they know I'm the most fabulous fag in Pittsburgh. Who doesn't? I'm Brian Fucking Kinney, after all.

QW: About that, is your middle name really 'Fucking?'

BK: No. Of course not. My middle initial is A. Everyone knows that.

QW: Oh right...I think Michael mentioned that. He says it stands for Asshole?

BK: Fucker. Did he also tell you his father is a drag queen?

QW: Actually, he didn't. I'll have to remember that one. Anyway, speaking of Michael and Justin... quick question I'm sure your legions of fans are dying to know... which one's your favorite?

BK: I'm supposed to pick a favorite?

QW: Yes.

BK: Fine, then. I pick me.

QW: You...can't pick you. Michael or Justin. Pick one.

BK: Mmm...fine. Justin.

QW: Really? Interesting. Any particular reason why?

BK: He gives great head, of course. Plus, Mikey whines a lot. Even when he's not whining, it still sounds like he is. He's just got a whiny, pouty, woe-is-me sort of voice. I think it's a Novotny thing.

QW: Yeah, I've noticed that. So, Brian... is there any truth to the rumor that you are, indeed, madly, passionately, deeply in love with Mr. Justin Taylor?

BK: What? Exactly what the fuck has Justin been saying to you, anyway?

QW: So, there's no truth to it?

BK: ...

QW: Brian?

BK: No comment.

QW: Right... moving along... What about the rumor that you're secretly dating the supposed lesbian Melanie Marcus?

BK: WHAT?! What rumor? Who the fuck's been saying this shit? If this is Theodore's sick idea of a joke...

QW: So, not true?"

BK: I think I'm going to hurl. _Smelly Mellie? _Are they fucking serious?

QW: Okay, I take that as a sign that you are _not _secretly dating Melanie. Lindsay and Justin will be relieved. So...anyway...over the course of the last few years, what do you think the most important change in yourself has been?

BK: Oh, definitely my hairstyle. My latest one looks fucking amazing, don't you think?

QW: Sure. Whatever you say, Bri. But I meant in a more personal, inner way.

BK: I'm a fabulous fag, remember? Not a fucking lesbian. Next question.

QW: Fine, what would your friends consider the most important personal, inner change in you?

BK: Probably some bullshit about me learning to open up or...something to that effect.

QW: Interesting. Do you consider your close group of friends to be like surrogate family members?

BK: Am I seriously supposed to answer that?

QW: Never mind. Okay, so everyone knows that Brian Kinney is kind of a jerk, but does he have a real, actual dark side?

BK: If you mean my tan, it is a full-body one.

QW: No, that wasn't exactly what I meant. I mean the dangerous Brian Kinney. The not-so-fucking-fabulous side. The side everyone's afraid of. You go out of your way _not _to become like your father, correct Brian? But was there any time when you just..lost it?

BK: A few.

QW: Care to elaborate?

BK: When I hit Hobbs in the fucking knee with that bat.

QW: Oh, wow. The bashing. Touchy topic for you. What were you feeling right then?

BK: Use your imagination. I'm sure you can figure it out. You don't seem too stupid. Emphasis on the _'too' _part.

QW: Incidentally, what made you decide to go Justin's prom, anyway?

BK: Well, Mikey ruined my plans to potentially kill myself in my grief over turning thirty, so since that wasn't going to happen, I figured making Justin happy would earn me a few blow jobs. That... also kind of didn't happen.

QW: And your passionate, undying love for Justin had nothing to do with it?

BK: Uh...no comment.

QW: So, any other time where you lost it? What about that time you hit Michael?

BK: Yeah, I forgot about that.

QW: Did he deserve it?

BK: It doesn't matter. I shouldn't have hit him.

QW: But you did, defending Justin, is that correct?

BK: You're the gossip queen. You tell me.

QW: So even after he left you, you'd still do anything for him. Including punch your best friend.

BK: Look, I told Mikey to be quiet. I shouldn't have hit him, but he lived, didn't he? I would've done the same for Mikey.

QW: So, if Justin said that stuff about Michael, you would've hit Justin?

BK: No. I'd never hit Justin.

QW: I thought you just said...

BK: I'd hit anyone _but _Justin.

QW: Okay. While we're focusing on this particular era of your life, what do you have to say about Ethan Gold?

BK: I think he's an arrogant, pretentious, dickless bastard who should go throw himself down a fucking well, and be forced to listen to a recording of his own atrocious "talent" on the fiddle.

QW: Wow. Well...I guess that pretty much answers that question.

BK: Guess it does.

QW: So did it hurt when Justin left you for him?

BK: When Justin...? Wait, how the fuck do you know so much about my life, anyway? Justin and Michael really told you all this?

QW: Just answer the question.

BK: No. It didn't hurt.

QW: Really? Not even a little bit? I mean, during the time he was gone, you punched and kidnapped your best friend, slept around and drank more than ever, and hired a prostitute that looked exactly like Justin. You're saying you didn't miss him at all?

BK: Okay, where the fuck are you getting your information? I swear, if you're another stalker... I mean, I understand if you are, who wouldn't love following me around all day? But if you are, I'm getting a restraining order after what happened with the last devoted fan of mine who decided to stalk me day and night.

QW: You had a stalker? Who? What happened?

BK: Hello? The twat is now living with me, sucking out money from my bank account, among other things, and gotten me to fuck him about three thousand times more than once.

QW: And that would be...?

BK: Does the name Justin fucking Taylor mean anything to you?

QW: Do you add 'fucking' to the middle of every person's name?

BK: Yes. You're Ms. Ann Fucking Noying.

QW: Aha. Ann Noying. Annoying. I get it. Clever.

BK: When am I ever not?

QW: Well, there was that one time when you... you know what? Never mind. That'll take too long. Moving on, Brian...another thing I'm sure people are dying to know... Lindsay Peterson. That one time in college. What was that about?

BK: You're going to fucking ruin my reputation.

QW: Off the record.

BK: Off the record? We were both stoned out of our minds. I thought I was fucking a blond guy with a really small dick.

QW: Are you serious? _That _was the one time in college? And is Lindsay the only woman you've ever been with?

BK: Well, I hardly think Lindsay qualifies as a woman. She is a Dyke, after all. Cwazy Wesbians.

QW: Right. So, what about Melanie? What's the deal with the tension between you two?

BK: Ah, Melanie. The Wonder-Bitch. The deal is that she is a fucking cunt.

QW: Does the tension between you have anything at all to do with the fact that she's married to Lindsay? Like when you had that thing with David, because he was dating Michael? Is that part of the reason why you've never gotten along with Melanie?

BK: ...

BK: No comment.

QW: Another question, Brian... Why do you think it is some people find you to be...well, an asshole?

BK: I'm Brian Kinney. Of course I'm an asshole. Besides, I've been one my whole life. It's hard to break a habit. And speaking of assholes...

QW: Brian, you can fuck Justin when we're done. Quit staring at him. You're going to freak him out.

BK: ...

QW: Brian, you're drooling.

BK: Fuck off. I am not.

QW: Look, you can fuck him later, okay?

BK: Or, how about... you stop talking, and I can go fuck him now?

QW: But we have to finish the interview!

BK: You got anymore questions?

QW: Well, actually I was wondering...

BK: Too late! Time's up. Now if you'll excuse me, my dick has a nine o' clock appointment with Justin's ass. It's already ten past, and I'm always fashionably late. After all, I'm Brian Fucking Kinney.

QW: Um, okay. Do to the subject of this interview having an...er...scheduling dilemma...I hereby declare this Q&A session of Brian Fucking Kinney officially... over.

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**A/N: Please review, and tell me if I should continue or not. Next chapter would be Michael's, I think, if I keep going.**


	2. Captain Whiner

**Warning: Kind of anti-Michael. Sorry, couldn't resist making fun of him a bit, lol. I like the guy, I really do, but still...too easy a target...lol. **

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_Michael_

QW: So, I'm sitting here with Mr. Michael Novotny. Michael, tell us...how does it feel to be the insufferable, whiny "my-life-totally-sucks-so-listen-to-me-cry-about-it-for-hours-on-end" type of guy who never does anything remotely cool?

MN: Hey! I don't whine! Why would you say I whine?

QW: Um, cause you're doing it right now.

MN: Am not!

QW: Uh, whatever. So, Michael, you've been best friends with Brian Kinney forever. Was it ever hard being in his shadow? Or, to put it in terms you can better understand...was it ever hard being his sidekick while he was the ultra-sexy superhero that all the guys wanted?

MN: Um, again..._hey! _I wasn't his sidekick! Hot guys were always talking to me.

QW: Michael, a hot, straight married man coming up to you in The Big Q to ask you where the milk is does not count.

MN: Oh...well...then I guess it kind of sucked.

QW: So, Mikey...can I call you Mikey?

MN: Actually...

QW: Great. Mikey...what's the relationship like between you and Justin Taylor? What's he like?

MN: He's tolerable. If you're high enough.

QW: Have things improved between you two since you started working on_ Rage _again?

MN: For the most part. Except for he's still kind of an annoying brat.

QW: That's kind of harsh. You think Brian could do better? Like who?

MN: I'm afraid I can't answer that.

QW: Why not?

MN: Ben might be reading this later. I'm taking no chances.

QW: Okay...so Mikey, you've recently gotten married, pretty much adopted a teenager, and became a biological father to a beautiful baby girl. Are you living the life?

MN: Can I just say something off the record? I've been needing to get this off my chest and vent for like...ever.

QW: Um, sure. Go ahead.

MN: Okay... Ben snores like a fucking dragon beast, Hunter always eats all the Oreos without ever leaving me _one_, and JR cries for a solid fifteen minutes every fucking time she looks at my face! I think I've scarred my daughter for life, my son is a pig in human form, and my husband keeps me up all night, and it's not even for a good reason like fucking! WHY, GOD? WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH?

MN: Ahem.

QW: Kay, are we back on the record now?

MN: Whew. Yeah. I needed that.

QW: Great. Oh, about that whining thing? Yeah, you're not helping yourself much.

MN: But you don't understand! My family are fucking annoying! It's like, every time I—

QW: Hey, Mikey, is your dad really a drag queen?

MN: How the...? Fuck, did Brian...?

QW: So, is he?

MN: Um... no comment.

QW: I'll take that as a 'yes.'

MN: But I only said—

QW: Great. So, Mikey... what do you think is the most important relationship you've formed or maintained over the last few years?

MN: I definitely think my relationship with Ben was the most important one I've ever formed.

QW: Aw. How sweet.

MN: Yeah, he's the only one who listens to me talk about Captain Astro for hours at a time, and he never complains.

QW: Why do you think that is? Because he thinks your adorable and he loves you so much?

MN: Maybe. Or it may be because I refuse to have sex with him if he insults Captain Astro or my love of comic books in general. Could be either one, really.

QW: Seriously? I would've never pegged you for the manipulative type...withholding sex to get what you want.

MN: Yeah. Justin taught me how to do it. At least that's one thing he's useful for.

QW: Hmm...so Mikey...besides Ben and Brian, who would you consider to be your closest friend?

MN: My mother of course. I talk to her three times a day.

QW: Yeah, I wouldn't broadcast that. Anyone else...maybe someone who's genes you don't share?

MN: Mmm... well it'd be hard to pick between Ted and Emmett. I love them both, you know?

QW: Exactly how does your relationship chain go? From top to bottom?

MN: Well, I've got Ben, Hunter, and JR at the top. Then Brian and my mother. Then Ted and Emmett, and then Lindsay and Melanie. Then Captain Astro. Then Tracy, from The Big Q. Then Eli and Monty. Then my doctor. Then that guy who came to fix the sink that one time. Then that one old lady who works at the library. And then Justin.

QW: Nice. I'm a little concerned that you actually put Captain Astro in there at all, especially above a few of your friends and Justin, but whatever. Who am I to judge? Let's talk about some of your other relationships. Lindsay and Melanie...how are things with them?

MN: Fine, actually. I mean, there was that whole thing a few months ago with them lying to everyone about their break up, the three-way custody battle, and the resultant disputation resulting in the temporary destruction of my relationship with them, Brian, my mother, and nearly destroying everything I held dear. Things are just peachy now, though.

QW: Glad to hear it. Now, on a different subject I wanted to ask you about...what was it like going on the run with Hunter for those few days, in the one and only cool stunt you've ever pulled?

MN: Well, it pretty much sucked. I mean, we were hungry, we were tired, we were living in a shit-hole of a motel. But I felt kind of like an outlaw in an old movie, though, so that was kind of cool. Except I thought Brian was going to murder me when I brought back his car all trashed.

QW: Brian does have a tendency to be touchy about his cars, doesn't he?

MN: You have no idea.

QW: Mikey... I had my doubts about this, but I wanted to ask anyway... It's about the rumor that you've got a shrine built to the Care Bears in your closet. Is it true?

MN: What? Of course it isn't fucking true! Who told you this, anyway?

QW: I'll give you a hint. He's most likely being fucked into some random hard surface by now by your best friend.

MN: Well...that could be anybody, really.

QW: Good point. Well, his name starts with 'J' and he's your partner working on _Rage. _

MN: _Justin! _Should've known. I'm going to kill that little shit.

QW: Little shit? I thought that was what Brian called him?

MN: Where do you think he got it from?

QW: Oh. Well, just wait until after I interview him to kill him though, okay?

MN: Fair enough. You got yourself a deal.

QW: Okay, moving on. We're going to play a little game. I'm going to give you two choices, and you're going to pick one off the top of your head. Okay?

MN: Gotcha.

QW: Chocolate or vanilla?

MN: Chocolate.

QW: Captain Astro or Rage?

MN: Rage.

QW: Boxers or briefs?

MN: Thongs...er, I mean boxers.

QW: Ben or Brian?

MN: What the fuck kind of question is that?

QW: A good one. Now answer.

MN: Fine. Ben.

QW: David or Brian?

MN: Brian.

QW: Justin or a migraine?

MN: Migraine.

QW: Okay... so now lets talk about some of your answers. How about...the Captain Astro or Rage one? You picked Rage...why?

MN: Easy. I helped create the character. Captain Astro I can read about, but Rage I write about.

QW: Boxers or briefs? You said thongs...

MN: WHAT'S WITH ALL THE FUCKING QUESTIONS?

QW: Um, it's an interview?

MN: Oh, yeah...

QW: So..._thongs?_

MN: It was one time, okay? Leave me alone. Emmett wears them all the time.

QW: I'll make a note of that. Now, when asked the question of Ben or Brian...you said Ben. So you've finally found someone that you would choose over Brian?

MN: Well, like I said, Ben listens to me rant about comic books, and he never punched me. Brian can really be a fucking asshole sometimes. And he hits hard.

QW: And David or Brian?

MN: Well, David was kind of a stuck up, stuffy snob. So, yeah, I picked Brian. Not that Brian isn't every bit as arrogant as David...and he does tend to be a bit of a stuck up label queen...but that's beside the point.

QW: And on the 'Justin or a migraine' question?

MN: Well, Justin tends to give you a migraine whenever he's around anyway, so I figure at least migraines don't hang around for four plus years and fuck your best friend.

QW: Nice. So, anyway... what would you consider the most significant change in you over the last couple of years?

MN: Hmm...the most significant change...that's a hard one... I'd have to say that I think I've really grown up a lot, you know? I've got a husband, two kids...yeah, I've matured a lot.

QW: Really? That's your most significant change, you think?

MN: Well, what would you say it was?

QW: I was gonna say something like that you've finally grown a backbone and a mind of your own, and no longer follow Brian around like a lost little puppy, but hey whatever...

MN: Hey! I resent that! Just because he's my oldest friend... and I always had a mind of my own! I don't know why people are always thinking I don't, it's really not fair, it's like...

QW: OKAY! Sorry to interrupt what I'm sure would have been a very interesting whine session, Mikey, but we're out of time.

MN: What? But that's not fair, either! You talked to Brian for fifteen minutes! I only got ten! Everyone's always giving Brian special treatment, it's like that one time when...

QW: God, help me.

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**A/N: Next up... maybe Justin. :D **


	3. The Public Service Announcement

QW: And... I'm _back!_ Sitting here talking to the one and only... Justin "Sunshine" Taylor!

JT: Hey.

QW: So, Mr. Taylor, sir...out of your many nicknames, which one is your favorite? I mean, you've been called Sunshine, Baby, Twat, Little Shit, Sweetie, Half-Witted Imbecile...

JT: Wait, who the fuck called me a half-witted imbecile?

QW: Um...no one. And it most certainly, _definitely_ was not Michael.

JT: Figures. Hey, did you know his dad's a drag queen?

QW: Yeah, sorry, we've already covered that. But back to you...which one's your favorite?

JT: Well...I'd have to say 'Sunshine.' It's pretty much the nicest thing anyone's called me. At least when Debbie says it. So...yeah. Sunshine.

QW: Cool. So, Sunshine... what's it like being Brian Kinney's 'unconventional, undefined' boyfriend?

JT: Hmm... have you ever been on a _really _wicked roller-coaster at a theme park and thrown up afterwards cause it was so wild and crazy with a ton of loops and turns and shit?

QW: Yeah...

JT: Like that.

QW: And outside of Brian...which member of 'the family' do you think you've grown the closest to?

JT: Huh...I dunno. I've never really thought about it... Debbie, maybe?

QW: Aw, so she's become like a second mother-figure to you?

JT: Um...on the down-low? Not really, but I'm afraid if I don't pick her, she'll smack me on the head again. I've already suffered one major head injury. A brain can only take so much.

QW: Oh, yeah, the bashing. That must have been one of the worst experiences of your life, huh?

JT: Well think about it...I spend the better part of a year driving Brian insane, getting under his skin, and making him fall in love with me...and then, when he _finally _decides to do something really incredible and sweet...I get bashed in the fucking head and can't even remember it. So yeah. It sucked.

QW: So, you remain convinced that Brian is, indeed, madly in love with you?

JT: Course. Everyone loves me. I'm innocent little love-sick Sunshine head over heels for big bad, cold-hearted Brian, remember? Every time he's an asshole to me, it just makes everyone love me more.

QW: That is true. But you think you've gotten 'under the wire,' as Debbie put it? You think you've gotten Brian to care about you more than he's ever cared about anyone before?

JT: Like I said...I'm his adorable little ray of sunshine. Course he loves me. Even if he doesn't know it yet. He's kinda slow when it comes to that stuff.

QW: Some people say that Brian's a bad influence, but, on the other hand, do you think you've rubbed off on _him _at all, personality wise?

JT: Yeah, well...he's a lot sweeter than he was. Cares about stuff...and people...more. He's a lot more open, you know? In more ways than one, even...that's another thing about him that's changed, thanks to me.

QW: What do you mean?

JT: Well, not only is he more open emotionally...but he's a little more open in...er...other areas as well.

QW: Um...still not drifting with you, JT...

JT: I have to spell it out for you?

QW: Apparently.

JT: Fine. Well, don't tell him I told you this...but he's let me top him before, you know.

QW: Seriously, he has? _Willingly? _Or...wait, he was high, wasn't he?

JT: No, of course not! He's just trusts me more than anyone else. That's all.

QW: Uh-huh. Fine. I'll take your word for it. But anyways... I have another question for you.

JT: Fire away.

QW: Brian is always so tough and alpha-male, and he's known for being a brutal top...with your occasional reversals being the exception, of course...but behind closed doors, which one of you is _really _the dominant one in the relationship?

JT: Well, sexually, he usually is. Nothing surprising there.

QW: And not sexually?

JT: Hah. Me, of course.

QW: Really?

JT: Mmm-hmm. Course, he doesn't actually _know _it. I usually just let him _think_ he's in charge. Brian likes being in control, so it's important to let him keep that illusion.

QW: But it's really just an illusion?

JT: Yeah. When it comes down to it, he usually ends up doing whatever I wanted him to do in the first place. You just have to let him think he got there on his own. As if.

QW: That's pretty brilliant. So...another question about Mr. Kinney...he _says _he doesn't cuddle...

JT: Ha, I know. Of course that's a laugh. We cuddle all the time. We never actually _call _it cuddling, mind you, but... I'm laying there on top of his chest, he has his arms around me, he has his chin on the top of my head...what the fuck else would it be? Again, it's all about letting him have his precious _illusions..._ I mean, this _is _the same man who took over three years just to admit we were in a relationship. It's all about the baby steps. But yeah, we cuddle.

QW: Sounds like Brian can actually be really sweet when he wants to be.

JT: Oh, yeah. He's not the asshole everyone thinks he is. I mean, he _is _an asshole...but not _completely. _He definitely has his sweet side.

QW: Well, it's good to know he has a heart in there somewhere. So, if _he _has a sweet side, in opposition to his typically asshole-ish nature...do _you _have an asshole-ish side to your typically sweet nature?

JT: Uh...

QW: It's just that I was talking to Michael earlier, and he said you taught him how to use sex as a weapon... got anything to say for yourself?

JT: Well, when your boyfriend is _Brian Kinney, _the most sexually driven fag possibly in all of Pittsburgh, I've found that oftentimes sex is the only effective weapon available.

QW: All right. Point taken. _So...? _Dish! What have you made him do?

JT: Well, there was this one time when I made him take me to a carnival and win me one of those little stuffed bears. I named it 'Sunny.'

QW: A carnival? I bet he loved that.

JT: Well, once we got stuck on the top of the ferris wheel, he was done. He said he'd just go get his dick sucked at Babylon if I wouldn't have sex with him. Then there was this other time when he was being really mean to Michael, so I made Brian go to some lame comic book convention with him in tights and a cape.

QW: Are you serious? Brian went along with it?

JT: Yeah. He'd never admit that me not having sex with him was the reason, but then why else would he have gone? It's not like he can't just go to Babylon and find someone to fuck...he just won't admit that I'm the best sex he's ever had.

QW: Yeah, don't you have a reputation for amazing blow-jobs?

JT: That'd be me. Brian likes to think he had something to do with it...but really it was all my natural amazing ability.

QW: Well, it's good to know Brian's cockiness hasn't rubbed off on you.

JT: Okay, there are so many jokes I could make with that statement, I don't even know where to begin.

QW: You know, Brian and the rest of the family really have been bad influence on you. So, let's talk about something else. What about your career? How's that going?

JT: Pretty well, actually. I've even managed to sell a few paintings.

QW: Really? That's pretty impressive.

JT: Yeah, well...the three I sold were to Brian, my mother, and Daphne...but that's beside the point.

QW: Oookay, then. Justin...what was the hardest thing you've ever had to do?

JT: Funny you should mention that...

QW: NO 'hard' jokes, please.

JT: Fine. You're no fun. Let's see...the hardest thing... Probably getting Brian to part with his Bee Gees CD.

QW: Seriously? He listens to the Bee Gees?

JT: Well, listen_ed, _yeah. Every night. He even played 'Staying Alive' while we fucked a couple times...until I threatened to 'accidentally' spill paint on the stupid thing.

QW: So, Justin...there's a question I've been asking everybody. What would you consider the most important change in yourself over the course of the last few years?

JT: Huh...that's a hard one. I've changed a lot. Grown into myself a little more, you know? I'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin, a lot more confident...

QW: Yeah, I still remember when you were that scared little twink that Brian brought home...rambling on about Tylenol and how nice his kitchen was... haha, you were such a dork.

JT: Well, I wouldn't go _that _far...

QW: Really? But...you were like this nerdy little freaked out twink...talking about _Tomb Raider _and _'Special K-the cereal...' _and you really wouldn't call yourself a dork?

JT: I was a seventeen-year-old virgin! Give me a break!

QW: You were Brian's little public service announcement, as I remember...

JT: Shut up!

QW: And then, right after when you...oh shit!

JT: What? What happened?

QW: Haha, well, it looks like we're out of time, Mr. Taylor!

JT: Already?

QW: Yeah, well...

JT: Well, what?

QW: Well, it's just that Michael is looking pretty mad. And he's holding a chainsaw. And coming this way. Incidentally, you might want to start running now.

JT: Um...why?

QW: He kinda wants to murder you. Sorry.

JT: WHAT?! Why the hell does he want to murder me?!

QW: Er...well, I...might have mentioned to him that you were the one who started that rumor about the Care Bear shrine in his closet.

JT: What?! You told him it was me?! You said it would be anonymous!

QW: Yeah, ha...well, my bad.

JT: Hey, c'mon, Michael...now let's just work this out, like mature, rational, ad...ahh! No! I need that hand! Take the other one! It doesn't even work! _Stop it,_ you psycho!

QW: Well, since little Mikey's patience is proving to be on the thin side today, it looks like my interview with Mr. Sunshine's going to be ending a bit early. And I'm getting a bit desperate for some normalcy here, so I think I'll be tracking down a person who's level of insanity hasn't yet reached the point where they should be admitted into a mental institution. That is, if I can find one around here.


	4. Daddy Says

**A/N: So, I was having some trouble with this fic for a while, I had someone else in mind to interview, but I couldn't make it work. Then a light bulb kind of went of, so...this is the product of that. Enjoy :D **

* * *

QW: Hey, so I'm sitting here with quite possibly the closest example of normalcy we'll ever see out of this bunch.

GPM: Hi!

QW: Hey, Gus! So...why don't we start with some questions about you, okay? How old are you?

GPM: Almost five. Mommy says when I'm five I get to go to school!

QW: Really? Are you looking forward to that?

GPM: Yep! And Daddy says when I get older, those seats outside are a good place to...um... smoke pots, I think. But why can't you smoke pans, too? Are pots better?

QW: Er...why don't you ask your Mommy about that one? Lindsay really needs to have another talk with that man...

GPM: And Daddy says he met his bestest friend when he went to school.

QW: Oh? Let me guess...Uncle Mikey?

GPM: No, someone else...

QW: Not Lindsay? Your Mommy?

GPM: No. I think he said his best friend was his duck. Yeah, that's it.

QW: His duck? Brian doesn't have a du-_oh..._you mean...right. Duck. Got it. So, Mr. Peterson-Marcus... you know, you have a pretty big family when you think about it. And I hear you've got a little brother or sister on the way!

GPM: Uh-huh! It's gonna be so cool! And Daddy says it'll be my job to teach 'em how to sneak inside those dance places when we grow up.

QW: Sneak into clubs? Great. The Brian Kinney legend continues.

GPM: But Daddy says he's scared about the baby.

QW: Oh really? Why is he scared?

GPM: I don't know. I don't get it. He says 'tween Mama and Uncle Mikey, he's scared what the baby'll look like. Uncle Mikey got mad when he said that. And Mama almost hit him.

QW: I can imagine. Anyway, Gus, what about your family now? You've got your Mommy and Mama, Daddy and Justin...

GPM: Ooh Jus'n is the bestest! He lets me finger paint when I go over to see him and Daddy. As long as I don't get any on the walls, or he says Daddy will have a heart tack.

QW: A..what?

GPM: A heart tack.

QW: A heart...? Oh! A heart attack...yeah he probably would.

GPM: Guess what? Jus'n told me he was there the very firs' night.

QW: The night you were born?

GPM: Yeah. And Daddy says that's good, 'cause Mama wanted to name me somethin' stupid, and Jus'n stopped her.

QW: Your Daddy said that, did he? You might not want to mention that to your Mama...

GPM: I a'ready did. She said she knows what the 'A' stands for though.

QW: What 'A?'

GPM: Daddy has a 'A' in his name. Mama says she knows what it means.

QW: And what would that be?

GPM: I can't say. Mama said not to 'peat it.

QW: Oh. Okay. Probably for the best. So Gus, I've got a question I've been asking everyone...and let me put this in terms you can understand, here...what do you think is the coolest thing you've ever done?

GPM: Ooh! Last week I slept in my room without my night light!

QW: Wow, that's great! Good job, Gus.

GPM: My Daddy says that means I'm 'coming a big boy. But Daddy says it's okay to be scared of the dark. He says Mommy was scared of the dark when she was a grown-up.

QW: Haha, she was?

GPM: Yep. Daddy says he knew Mommy when they were in col-ed-edge.

QW: Er, you mean college?

GPM: Yeah. He says Mommy was still scared of the dark in there.

QW: Really? So what other kind of stuff does your Daddy say?

GPM: Lots of stuff! He says he tells me ev'ything. He always calls Mama and Mommy...um...mustards.

QW: Munchers?

GPM: Yeah! And he says that Uncle Mikey is really four like me, but he's stuck in a grown-up's body.

QW: Really?

GPM: Mm-hmm. And he says Uncle Ted is a'right, but don't _ever_ tell him. Daddy says Uncle Ted likes it when we call him names.

QW: Yeah, that sounds like your dad. What else? This is good stuff here.

GPM: Um...Daddy says never let Auntie Em play dress up with you, or you'll look like that thing I had at my birthday party.

QW: What thing?

GPM: You know that thing with the candy that we hit with a bat?

QW: Pinata?

GPM: Yeah! Daddy says you'll look like that. With streamers and sparkly things and stuff.

QW: Well, he's not far from the truth on that one...

GPM: But Daddy says never play with bats when Jus'n is there, or it makes Jus'n sad.

QW: It does?

GPM: Mm-hmm. Daddy says Justin got hurt with a bat. And he doesn't like to think 'bout it. So I put all my bats up when Jus'n comes over.

QW: That's nice of you.

GPM: I asked Jus'n how the bat hurt him, but he never told me. He said Daddy kissed it all better, though, so he's okay now.

QW: That's good.

GPM: Yeah. Daddy says it scared him, though. But now Jus'n is okay 'gain, and Daddy says he's beau'iful.

QW: He called Justin beautiful?

GPM: Uh-huh. Ev'yone was all dressed up in special clothes and Mama said it was for the hol'day. And Mommy was wearing a pretty dress and Jus'n was in his special clothes, and they were setting the table for dinner time. And Daddy said it real quiet... he said they both looked beau'iful. He said Mommy and Jus'n are his two fav'rite...um... yellow-hair people.

QW: Um...blonds?

GPM: Yeah!

QW: So what else does your Daddy say about everyone? Anything juicy?

GPM: You have juice? Do you have cookies, too?

QW: Um, no, sorry. No juice or cookies. But...anything else about Justin, or Uncle Mikey, or your Mama...? Anyone?

GPM: Hmm...promise not to tell?

QW: I promise.

GPM: One time Daddy bought some pretty flowers for Mama's birthday for me to give her. But he said _never_ tell her. Never.

QW: He bought Melanie flowers? Oh my God, that's huge!

GPM: You can't tell! You said! Daddy said don't tell!

QW: Oh, right. Don't worry, your Daddy's secret is safe with me. Hehe. So...what about Grandma Debbie? She's cool, right?

GPM: Gra'ma! Gra'mas the bestest! She always lets me eat lots of food! And Gra'ma says never, um...never listen to nothing anybody says 'cept her, 'cause she says grown-ups sometimes get a little...um...fudged up. 'Specially my fam'ly. And she let me eat fudge, too. Lots and lots of it.

QW: Good ol' Deb.

GPM: But she says everyone loves everyone else lots, though. Even Daddy loves everyone else, but he doesn't say it. He did though. He said it to me.

QW: Did he?

GPM: Yep! He said, 'cause I'm his Sonny-Boy...he said he loves me.

QW: Aw, he really does have a heart.

GPM: And Daddy said he loves Uncle Mikey, too. Daddy said Uncle Mikey is the bestest friend he ever had.

QW: Really? That's sweet.

GPM: Yup. And Daddy said he loves my Mommy, too. Daddy said I always better take good care of her. And I said I will.

QW: Aw.

GPM: And Daddy said he loves Jus'n, too!

QW: That's ni..._wait! Woah! _Back up, bombshell-boy...he said what, now?

GPM: Daddy says he loves Jus'n. But he said he doesn't tell him, but Jus'n knows anyway.

QW: So he _actually said..._he said he loves Justin? He said those words? He said_ love? _

GPM: Um...I don't know.

QW: What did he say, exactly? Damn this is good stuff... Now tell me, from the beginning, _exactly _what happened, Gus. This is very important. Gossip queens everywhere are going to be eating this stuff up.

GPM: Kay, I asked Daddy how come he never tells Jus'n he loves him, like Mommy and Mama always do. And Uncle Mikey and Uncle Ben always do when we see them.

QW: Uh-huh...

GPM: And Daddy said he doesn't need to tell Jus'n stuff like that. 'Cause Jus'n knows anyway.

QW: _Oh my God! _Brian bought Melanie flowers, _and _practically admitted he loves Justin!? Gus, have I told you you're my favorite so far?

GPM: Yay! I'm the bestest, right? That's what my Mommy says. She says I'm her lam'skin.

QW: Yeah, you're whatever you want to be. Haha, wait till I get this thing printed. It'll be the scandal of the year. 'The Great God Kinney—Brought Down By Four-Year-Old Son..." This is like Christmas. Damn, I really hit the jackpot with you, kid.

...

QW: Kid?

...

QW: Gus!?

...

QW: Oh shit. His mother's are going to kill me.


End file.
